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Living Through Loss
September 21, 2002 - Usually words can't comfort the
grieving. Just being there in silence or listening
is comforting. Nothing can change what has happened
but being with the bereaved is the best we can do.
The bereaved need companions who will truly listen
and perhaps do some of the small, everyday things
that need doing--mowing the lawn, changing the oil
in the car, preparing a meal-- any number of things.
Grieving is normal and unavoidable--it
is a part of life, and it takes time. We don't get
over it, we get through it. Going through grief is
a series of stages: shock, denial, anger, bargaining,
depression, and then acceptance, which is the first
step. You must come to terms with your loss and accept
that it is real and permanent.
The stages of grief are not necessarily
in this order, but it usually takes one or two years,
or sometimes 4, 5 or more years for a person to work
through the loss of a child or spouse, as well as
a divorce. The loss of a job, home, health, all require
a significant amount of time to work through. There
is no time frame. We can't control the process and
this makes us feel vulnerable and sensitive to outside
stimuli. It needs to takes its natural course because
if we try to deny our grief and keep our emotions
bottled up inside, this can lead to chronic depression
or physical illness.
Recent research indicates that some
kind of ceremonial farewell is helpful in aiding the
bereaved to adjust to the death of someone close.
We must acknowledge publicly and formally that something
significant has happened or we may find more difficulty
in the grieving process.
During the grieving process, it's
normal to cry, lose your appetite, and withdraw socially.
Eventually instead of living moment-to-moment with
our deep feeling of sadness, we will experience these
feelings intermittently. Then we can think about getting
back to work, resuming our social life, doing our
routine daily tasks again, such as cleaning house,
paying the bills, caring for the children--even if
we sometimes have to ask for help from a friend or
relative.
It's a good idea to keep a journal
of one's thoughts and feelings, or write letters to
the one who has died, or write a story of your memories,
or write poetry. Grief can be expressed through painting
or sculpture, or by participating in whatever you
are proficient in doing. Perhaps sewing or woodworking--perhaps
starting a project that will help others. Spend time
outdoors in a park or at the seashore. Being in touch
with nature can be both healing and restorative.
It's important to retain our friendships
because feelings of alienation and abandonment are
part of the grieving process. The best method of fighting
these feelings is to look for others to console. The
person who has gone through the loss of a loved one
is uniquely qualified and best able to understand
others going through the same pain. Spending time
with people who have undergone a similar loss can
be very therapeutic. You discover how natural your
emotions are that you go through during the grieving
process. You can receive moral support and learn from
the experiences and the ideas of others. Support groups
are not for everyone but many people swear by them.
Taking care of your health is an important
part of getting through your loss. Some physical problems,
such as insomnia, loss of appetite, muscle tenseness,
are to be expected. Avoid becoming overly tired, get
enough rest and sleep, eat nutritious meals, find
support, hope and comfort from something you have
faith in or are interested in, and life will be better.
Avoid making major decisions and changes in your life,
as routine and familiarity with your surroundings
give you a feeling of stability and permanence when
you feel in chaos.
The scriptures state "A time
to weep, and a time to laugh, a time to mourn, and
a time to dance."
The time of weeping and mourning will
be over. When we are able to form new relationships,
perhaps love again, we are on the road to recovery.
You can pick up the pieces and go on, the wound heals
but the scar remains.
**************
For Additional Information, Please
Contact:
Margot B
E-mail: margotb@margotbwritersforum.com
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