Psychology for Living

Gwen Randall-Young                                                   Written July 16, 2006

 

Listening for Understanding

 

 

            Very often I hear from clients that they do not feel understood: it may be a wife speaking in relation to her husband, a teen with regards to a parent, or an employee and an employer. We all speak the same language, so it should not be that hard to understand one another.

            The problem exists, I suspect, not in the talking, but in the listening. Too often we do not really hear what another is saying, because we are too wrapped up in our own agenda. We may be thinking of our response, or planning how we are going to counter what is being said. Frequently we begin disagreeing before the other has completed what he or she wanted to say.

            This is not listening. Listening is stopping what we are doing, sitting down and giving the person our undivided attention. Listening is letting the person say all they have to say without interrupting. Listening is asking for clarification of any aspects of what they have said that we do not understand. Listening is also communicating back to the person what it is we think they have said to see if our understanding is correct and complete.

            Further, if we are listening with our heart, then we also attempt to grasp the feeling that is being expressed, and to understand the importance to the person of what it is they are communicating.

            Once we have done all this, then we can respond. Ideally, then it is the other person’s turn to listen, hopefully in the manner described above. Even if agreement is not reached, both parties should, at the very least, feel understood.

 

Gwen Randall-Young is an author and Chartered Psychologist in private practice. She is the recipient of the Psychologist’s Association of Alberta John G. Paterson award (2003) for excellence in portraying psychological knowledge to the public. Visit her website wwww.gwen.ca or contact her directly: gwendall@shaw.ca Books and CDS available online.

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